This title reminds me of the old George Michael song, “Let’s talk about sex baby!”. Why is it that we can be in relationships for many years and never have really talked to our partners about sex? Are we embarrassed, ashamed or just confused by it? There is an excellent book by Esther Perel called “Mating in Captivity” it addresses why sex and eroticism are vital to healthy marriages. Even Maslow’s hierarchy of human needs lists sex in the bottom quadrant as ‘basic’ right next to breathing! SEX…IS….IMPORTANT! Unfortunately there are many couples in sexless marriages and are ashamed to talk about it. How does this happen? Well, we end up settling for ‘comfort’ over sex. But we also need zest and mystery in our relationships.
If you think back to when you were dating you probably had a fair amount of zest. Anticipation of the phone ringing or if you will be asked out again was what made the ‘butterflies’ in your stomach happen. Soon after we start looking for the stability in our relationships which cause us to feel safe and secure. But, if we lose zest or security our relationship will soon fizzle out. Some of us are lucky and find both areas very soon and then get married. But over time life seems to happen and this generally will erode one or the other. If zest is eroded our thoughts will often be ‘well, I guess this is all there is…’ if security is eroded we often will fight to reconnect…I mean literally fight with each other.
Often affairs happen when zest is lacking. Now, I’m not saying that you have to ‘provide’ sex to one another or throw on your best piece of lingerie or your silky boxers…..but what I am saying is to work toward a little bit of mystery. Widen your focus of your partner and start to look at him from a distance rather than from the couch cushion. Put a little zing in the bedroom, talk about what you like or dislike (before you have sex). Lighten the load a little and have a great time!
If you want to learn how to bring zest back into your marriage give us a call! The clinicians who practice at Cardinal Point specialize in relationship counseling.
Call 920-784-8669 Today!
Dr. Terri